You are an island now, surrounded by sharks

It is funny now, the way I see the world changed. As I wrote this for my other blog on CW.  But here, I think about Melissa way too much, and I think about my life then, and my life now.  And I feel like a pussy.

In another life, I spent a lot of time looking at the ancient Samurai code of Bushido. Read the book Hagakure over and over. Spent time with Guru fellows, and learning about how it translates into life, into art, into hardcore. How we saw bushido in Mike Vallely, or in the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

I spent time with this bass player, and we talked about how it made sense. Then we saw a writer from Details write and article about my man, and he referenced the LA thing with Bushido, and musicians.

I was watching The Dark Knight, for the third time, and there was a scene, and it made me remember that stuff.

Here is your chance to get out. Consider this a warning.

The specific scene is where the joker is in custody, and Harvey and Rachel have been kidnapped. Commissioner Gordon has left the room, and Batman is beating the joker. Batman has for all purposes lost control. The woman he loves has been taken, the one thing he cares for in the world is in danger, and he cannot fix it. The scene rang true on so many levels for me.

The Joker says something to the effect of, “You can do nothing to me with all of your strength.” I know it was a two sided thing (see the Harvey Dent reference), but it made me remember my man Henry onstage, and another life I led.

In that moment, the Joker is saying the Batman, that he is ready to die. Nothing anyone can do, is going to stop the mission, the choices he has made. He is committed, and he has nothing to lose. The civilization falls away, and it is just this madness. Just this burning of the world.

I thought about that, and I think that it goes throughout life. The Joker, the artist, the brilliant, the mad genius, is often those without any option. Just this thing that propels them, this work, this art, this music. They have surrendered to it.

The Samurai, was prepared to die every day. they did not want to die, they did not fear death, they did not seek it out, but they were prepared. Each moment was the preparation for that death.

The preparation for death, made the Samurai fearless.  There was only one true outcome, death.  They were not afraid of death, so anything was possible.

It must be an amazingly liberating thing.  To not fear death.  To know nothing other than the commitment to the vision you have.  To know that nothing that anyone says or does is going to change it.  No matter how hard Batman will beat you, you will not crack.

Because you are cracked.  Because you are free of the shackles.  You are in the moment, like the samurai.

So thank you Chris Nolan.  Now I can rebuild my life, to the other one I lived.

I need to be honest. I feel fated. I feel that this thing, this life, this project, this friendship, this relationship, this job, this lawncare ensemble, is totally over with. Not in some Shirley Manson sort of I want to die way, but rather in the I have no options left way.

The question becomes did I fly to fast or too high? Did I push too hard? Or was this life, just not interested in welcoming me with open arms?

I do not know.

I know that there are things that make me infinitely more happy than I think most people get a chance to experience. My friend ship with Scott, the life with Melissa…and we can just say it is a life as it is something I do not recall being without, and cannot imagine losing ever.

But, some moments, it feels like I can see the flower dying. Like in one of those science class fast action photos. The thing is, I no longer fear that moment.

I am pretty excited by the Scott Street Project, and I think it will make some sense after a while. But for tonight, it just is enough to think it is going to work out. You know?

I have grown obsessed with pencils recently. Dixon Ticonderoga, black. I have bought too many of them, and I do not think I shall ever get rid of them. I think that like many things, they shall just be put in a drawer somewhere, and be left to grow dusty.

Today I spent sometime putting together gift boxes for friends. Of books. I have to purge, and instead of putting them in the hands of strangers or back to Al the book man, I shall give them to friends, and from that connection we shall see if the friendship is strengthened or not. I tend to think it will not be grown in any discernable way.

So I have sort of given up on going up north. I love it up there, but I think more than that I am so upset by the fact that EVERY time I go, no one ever comes up. I invite hundreds of people every time I do it, and never once has anyone come up. Its funny, but honestly Scott is the only one who has slept up north, and Scott is from Tennessee. How does that work? I gotta admit, it makes me feel pretty unlikeable.

I have been watching the John Adams miniseries, and have been pretty inspired by the whole thing. It makes me love my job even more, as my job is implcitly about standing up for ones convictions now isnt it?

Overall, I am sad. I dislike the idea that NO ONE has ever come up north. It really gets to me.

So its funny. The amount of anger I can generate is amazing. I was so mad last night, I just sat in my chair and cried. It just poured out of me, for no reason. I have been home alone, no dog, for a few days. Nothing brought it on, but there it was, a little spark of anger that I am sure I fed in some insane way.

I just sat there. Mad and mad and mad. Finally it just all sort of broke through in this sort of amazing rage filled crying thing. It is funny now, because normally I appreciate the break through, but this one I could have done without.

But the nice thing is this., as soon as it was done, I was sleeping.

I have been pushing pretty hard, since I got sick, and came back to work, I have been pushing pretty hard. My head has been clear, and for hte most part my heart has been okay. My emotions feel pretty even, and I like the fact that I can see things a little better these days.

I have decided to take on the Scott Street Project finally. I think I need to spend a year writing the story, and see what comes of it. Cheryl, from CW has agreed to help. I think we both created the condition that I meet her husband though. I guess there is some sort of drama. I like the fact that I have no idea. She explained it to me, and I still felt no clue as to what it was.

I have been thinking about a lot of stuff recently. I guess I sort of feel like I am a crossroads with my life. I have chosen a pretty ascetic life this far. I mean to say that a million people know me, and somehow feel connected to me, but honestly I feel connected to so few people it sometimes is a bit overwhelming how alone this is. Let me be clear, it is not a pain of loneliness, but rather this sort of solitary thing. I do not mind the alone sense for the most part, but often times I wonder about choices in my 20s, versus how others made choices.

I look at my buddy Sullie, and man for the life of me I am totally jealous of that. But I have no idea how to go from who I am right now, to that. For example, I am sitting here listening to Ice Cube, at a really large volume right now. How would that work? I do not even know how to get from dating to married. How does one do that?

I feel in good health.

this is a song

I was asleep. I woke up. Sorry Cheryl. It just worked out that way. I went on facebook. Saw some photos of a girl I used to kiss. Now, I am sick, and meloncholy. I do not know. I have no idea where my life went wrong. But I looked at those photos, and I felt like I was in the wrong place.

Here is the mature thing, and we all know I hate that, but there is nothing I can do. I mean, it is not one of those movies, where I can go and destroy a family, and make it okay. I cannot do that. But it does not stop me from wanting.

With that comes the question, is it something one should avoid? I mean if it is just me, at 1 am, alone in my house, why not? I mean I do not act on it, or consider acting on it. In fact I am pretty disciplined about this whole thing. What is the problem from time to time feeling bad about not kissing a girl anymore?

the thign is this, the girl was amazing. She totally made sense to me, and even now, as we have talked a few times. She talks to me very well.

I am sitting here with a 101 degree fever. I was sick when I threw with Sullie and went to the mall and bought a new hat, and will be sick tomorrow. Tomorrow I gotta take the Subie into the shop for a new lock on the read door.

Sorry for being melodramatic. But she was the one that got away.

I am finishing up at work now. It is about 230 in the afternoon, and the thing is, I am wiped. I have gotten about 6 hours sleep in the past two days.

So honestly I am looking forward to vegan corndogs, and maybe some crying in my pillow tonight. I do not know what it is, but I am sort of sad these days. I have glimpses of something, and then I can’t get it. I do not know what it is, but it eludes me on most days. But I think if I had never seen it, or felt it, I would not know it was out there. And as a result, I would not sort of miss it. Either way, I am melonchological.

I am tired. I am tired of people. I am tired of the discussion. Any discussion. Right now, I want to be able to ask a question, get an answer, and move on. Not discuss it, conditionalize it, and go forward. I think I ask good, and complete questions. I think that they are adequate to the responses, and I think I am available to a negative response.

What I am not open to? A never ending discussion that has nothing to do with me, but somehow makes the response to the question an impossibility.

Sigh.

I wish I could kiss a girl from time to time.

Today would be a good day to go to bed, and have a girl climb into bed behind me, and be warm.

Night.

So given the shake up at the Great Northern Blues Society, which we left off the front page, I thought I would sit here and crank out a list. My ten favorite blues records. Not THE BEST, by MY favorite. I think I have a pretty good ear for this sort of thing, and I have earned a bit of a nasty habit of listening aggressively.

To be fair, the first time revisiting blues, or visiting blues, as I was a punk rock and hip hop young man, was this.

I want to be clear about this. I need to be clear. A lot of folks are going to assume that I had any real idea that it was Hendrix, and I caught onto that. No. Hendrix died when I was 1. I was a punk rock kid. The idea of me looking back to the 60s, well that was just about insane. Still, in many ways, is.

What did it for me was SRVs elbow. In the beginning of the song, his arm is moving in ways almost exactly similar to a punk rock dude. Fast, open, his whole arm movie over the strings. Not like Clapton, who barely moved at all. SRV moved his body. And as a young man, I caught that.

SRV led me to Freddie King, in one step. From there Muddy Waters. From there Buddy Guy. Form there, the world.

So here we go.

1. Bill Perry-Manny’s Car Wash LIVE. I am so proud to own this record. It is actually in my safety deposit box. There are few copies in existence, and since Bill passed away, I am sure you are not going to find it anymore.

2. Scott Holt-From Lettsworth to Legend. So yeah, Scott is one of my best friends. But, onstage, I do not think that there is anyone better on the planet. He avoided making a tribute record to Buddy for 100 Years, and finally made the one he wanted.

3. Hound Dog Taylor-Release the Hound. Dear God in heaven. This was a man who played like he was on fire. His band was charging ahead 100 miles an hour, and no brakes at all None.

4. Ass Pocket of Whisky- RL Burnside. The fact that Jon Spencer Blues Explosion is on it, it tears itself apart, and fights itself bloody. Just hooping and hollering. Fighting to the bank, and kicking your girlfriend in the ass when your both drunk.

5. Chipped Front Tooth- Scott Holt. This might be the single best incarnation of his band ever. So powerful. So fast. So rich. They are just fearless.

6. Thickfreakness-The Black Keys. Not purely the blues. But so much perfection, Sonic Youth and Hound Dog Taylor. My favorite band ever.

7. Grand Slam- Magic Slim and the TearDrops. This is what a blues band is supposed to sound like. I had the great opporutnity to have Slim play in my hometown at an event I worked on. He was everything I had hoped for.

8. Sweet Tea-Buddy Guy. Honestly, I am afraid of Buddy. This record made me even more scared of him. It just sort of announced him as a man who had looked into the face of the devil, and shouted at him. Fearless Buddy. Kick your ass Buddy.

(I think that might be Scott Holt right there as well)

So good he deserves two.

9. Live at Cook County Jail-BB King. I have over the years developed a friendship with the king of the blues, and my life is better for knowing him. Knowing him is something that I am so thrilled about.

This song makes me remember Mickey Larson, RIP Mick.

10. Bad Man-T-Model Ford. You can see, I like it rough. And it does not get much rougher than T Model.

I know that I have left most of your favorites, or the best ones off. But this, right here, is what I take in my car to drive to Chicago.

And like all blues music, we end it with a pretty girl.

So tonight, it is a rocking night. Nothing going on. I am struggling with the fact that the paper has not paid me for three weeks of freelance stuff. It seems to be about 400 bucks. I do not care to bother the editor for hte money, as I think it is often too much trouble to do something like that. I think I am just getting to the end of that whole thing. I get more and more resentful of town, and the way it works. I have this chip on my shoulder, and I think the cool kids are laughing at me behind my back. I just do not know why that is.

So this video is of a show me and my buddy Tom Jordan went to. The bank is The Black Keys, and honestly they are almost a perfect band. Actually, they are a perfect band. Like someone read my soul, and made a band that I wanted.

I need to take my blackberry back tomorrow. The side is making some sort of plastic on plastic noise, and I do not like it. So I am going to take it back.

This is El Hershbo at his cutest.

And this, this is my pretend wife. In the best outfit a woman has ever been seen in public wearing. In college, when Jackie wore her White Sox hat backwards, it totally got me hot, or aroused shall I say. But now, a girl in a beanie, and a t shirt. It just tears me up.

The thing with this girl in particular, I totally like her. As a guy or as a human being. She is totally cool. So, I like pretending we are pretend married, but it means nothing in that stalker sort of way. She is just awesomeness. Like me.