Only in Dreams by Weezer
Taking melatonin, and listening to Lucero can lead a meloncholy guy to the nature of love far too easily. Give him a keyboard, and this sort of thing can happen.
The other day I learned why I loved the three women I loved in my life. I have loved three. In my 38 years. I thought it would be 4, but honestly the sleep drugs have blocked the other one out.
The three women I have loved have had very little in common, maybe nothing. Save for one thing. I could NOT STOP talking to them, and listening to them. We had the ability to talk to each other, endlessly, and it would never get old.
The cool thing is this, they are all back in my life in different forms now, and I still cannot get enough of hearing them talk, and we can go on and on, and it never gets old.
The first time I ever fell in love in my life was when I was in like 11th grade, and I have been in love with this girl my whole life. In the best possible way. I love talking to her. Nothing about that has ever changed.
The best conversation I have ever had with anyone was one night my junior year of college on the phone. It was the best thing ever.
The others, are the same way. I just never got tired of hearing their voice, and I never felt bad talking to them. The girl I was with in college, I never felt judged by. She was amazing, and supportive, and patient.
We grew in that time of fire that is your early 20s, and we were amazing.
It is the middle of the night, and I have these three women in my head, and the drugs, and I am feeling pretty cool about it.
I Could Break Your Heart any Day of the Week by Mandy Moore
I cannot stop listening to this song, I saw her on the late night shows, and seriously, just fell in love with it. Right now it is really my song of the year, right now. I am so totally impressed by Mandy Moore, and I could really care less what you think. I earned my Clash stripes, you can just shut up.
This blog gets like no traffic, and the fact is, I never thought it would have any traffic. It is sort of personal, and distracted, and that is just hte way it is. Right now, the act of typing with NIN blasting in my head is sort of a mental work out that I am not all that able to make work out. I am a little sstoned on melatonin, and as such I am flying all over the place in my head.
I think that I am ready for the next transition in my head. In my heart. In my personal life. In my professional life. I think that it is right there, and I feel supported by some of the important people in my life, supported enough to make a change like this. Now I can take the active steps to ensure that it works out for me. I can prepare for eventualities.
I have started getting three women back in my life. Jackie, Melissa, and Laura. Melissa is the odd ball, because she is the angel I have never met. This otherworldly force of nature that possesses this place in my soul, and has been there for like a decade, and nothing moves her from there. Others come and go, and she is there.
I am on the bridge of my 20th class reunion. So, obviously I have Jackie stuff going on. Which is sort of beyond my control in many ways, and a welcome decade distraction. I think a lot of people think I am more upset about the Jackie thing, or that I want something from it, but man I do not want anything. In fact I want her to be okay. If she is okay, then we are all good. Without a doubt, there are a few magical things in my life, and she is one of them…
1. The way AC and I talked. That guy and I were amazing, and our timing together was so good. I miss him.
2. Talking to Laura. Not a lot in my life has made me feel as good as being with Laura, and talking to her. I would have never even needed to have kissed her, just talking to her was the best. It was so easy.
3. Watch Holt play. My friendship with Scott is just as natural as anyone. I like that, and when I get to see him play guitar I feel like I am getting the best part of my friend.
4. And Jackie. I have a feeling it was a bad relationship, but there are ideas in my life, and they are from her. And there are things that I have wanted to talk to people about all my life, and never felt okay doing it. But, these are the ideas of our time, and the formation of my life.
Laura and I talked the other night. We were talking about how we met, and how we fell in love. I was like 16, and she was 15, and we were sitting in a park watching a friend play soccer. And we talked all night long, in that park, into the dark. We could NOT stop talking, and I am 38 now, and I cannot stop talking to her now. Still.
Shh
It is summer. I have worked harder, physically this summer than I have ever done before in my life, and honestly am not sure where that comes from. I got the dekc up north stained over the last couple of days, and honestly that was sort of a ball breaker. So many shitty spindles and the rest, it is a pain. No more decks.
So, tonight I went and saw Andy in Godspell. It was amazing. At intermission Abe came and sat with me for a while, and honestly that was amazing. Abe is a good guy, and I might have the tiniest of crushes on his coolness. Either way, I think that the play was amazing.
I am listening to a lot of Willie Nelson this weekend. That and Butch Walker, so that is fun. But, at the play tonight I was confronted with couples. And lots of them. I was alone, but I looked good, so that is that. But, I am 38 years old now, and I am single. I think that might be the end of the road for me, in this regard. But, it also sort of is amazing in the sense that it creates separation, and further isolation from my age group. For example, Sullie and I are in the same age bracket, and for a while co workers, I have only been in the same room with his wife 2 times I think. I do not think that it intentional, or relfect on him or her, but I wonder about that.
I wonder why, if we are friendly, if spending time with me feels like an isolated thing. Like it does not connect to your real life. I almost feel a sense of pity from the married with kids people that I spend the occasional moment with. As if they are just filling their single old guy quota for the week.
I mean when you have kids, or not have kids, does your life change? I have a feeling it does for some folks. I wonder why it is I never, EVER see the children of my married with kids friends. I am not invited, and when I invite there family someplace, like up north, that never happens.
I tend to think that my wild days are over, and I think I can be trusted, and I am not sure where this comes from, this sense that I am not around children. I know that as a person who is natually isolating in nature, this further isolation because of my non children choice is not a good thing. It leads to 2 am blog posts.
I feel pretty great over all though. I wish I had more people in my life, but I have a feeling that is just the way it is going to be. Everyone has these sort of commitments, and the like. I often feel like I am unlikeable, and I think that is a good part of it, but I know that I should not expect to take on that load all myself.
I am trying to be a better man each day.
Unliked and Unlikeable
I have written this post in the past, and it has always come out self hating, or sad sack. I come off self involved, and that is never my intent, but somehow that is always the reality. I learned the lesson again this weekend, and it just keeps coming along.
So we have a house in Minocqua. I do not go often as others in my family, and when I go I like to invite everyone I know. No one, no one ever has come. Thats not true. Diamond Dan came, and Hannifin showed up. But, that was like 5 years ago. In modern history, no one has come. Except for Nichole, but she needed to get out of town, and it was more or less her idea.
Anyway, this is what I have learned. I have invited over 800 people to come up north, more than a dozen times. Lets just call that 9000 invitations. No one has ever come. Some folks have awesome excuses, like Andy is putting up Godspell now, and honestly I would not expect him to come. That made total sense to me.
Some musicians had gigs. So, that is fine.
But really, after you send out 9000 invites, and lets take out 1000 for statistic sake, 8000 invites, and no one has come. That really becomes about you. It just simply does. No way around it.
I wish people that I felt close to would come up north, and have a good time.
Beats to the Rhyme by Run DMC
I only have a minute. I had lunch today with my Village Administrator. It was cool. He wanted to talk about the direction to take our municipality in. I was amazed that he wanted to speak to me about, and honestly I was thrilled and honored.
I sort of have decided that if you stay in the game long enough, and have your voice under control, you will have good things happen. Today was a good thing.
Polk Salad Annie by The Scott Holt Band
I think we all have this infinite potential. I do. We look into each others eyes, and we know that something inside us is moving around, and that must be the connection that we feel to one another. That sort of thing that the artists write about, and that the people in the greater parts of the world look to as something we hold as greatness.
But, that is not me. Nope. Me, I am something else all together. I live in the past, in this nether world between what I want to do, and what I refuse to do, neither acheiving anything I want, or denying anyone anything else. It is this sort of place that fills me with resentment, and all the rest. It is a place of unhappiness, and it is a place with a spiraling rage that leads me to this sort of Apolcalypse Now and Wu Tang place on the weekends with a giant stereo and no one to hold my hand.
Lonely Street By Willie Nelson (I think only Melissa)
So this blog has sort of become something entirely different. I am sitting here in the basement, sick, having come from a wedding rehearsal, and I am crying my eyes out. I sat and watched a Jennifer Garner romantic comedy called ‘Catch and Release’ and I cannot stop thinking about Jackie, and in some ways dying.
We want our blogs to be universal, that some one might understand something about us from these words we type. But here is the thing, I do not think that anyone who reads this blog has ever talked with my about Jackie in any sort of substantive way. No one in my life really knows about her. I do not think that I have said her name to anyone in five years.
But, when Melissa and I first spoke, she and I talked about Jackie a lot. Melissa was going through a divorce, and I was not done with Jackie, even though I was in the middle of Angela. I am sure that I spoke about Jackie too much with Melissa, but I had no order for my feelings. I think I might now, but maybe not. Regardless, it does not matter.
So, Jennifer Garner looks a lot like Jackie. I know we all say that famous people look a lot like our exes or something, but I think that I am on pretty solid ground with this.
(I GOTTA STOP LISTENING TO WILLIE NELSON RIGHT NOW)
(LIVE WIRE BY SCOTT HOLT)
The movie, totally recommend it by the way, was pretty good. I think it was Seattle or Portland based. Cities I have loved going to.
But here is what struck me, Jennifer Garner has hands like Jackie did. I wish I could tell you what I mean, but Jackie had these hands and wrists that I am going to say are volleyball players hands. Long, strong, I do not know what more to say. But, when I watch Jennifer Garner movies, I see so much of the way Jackie used her hands in Garners movements. Maybe this is just me missing a girl, but so what. Its my fucking blog.
But the thing that set me to crying is the hugging. There was a scene where Jennifer had to hug someone, and they showed it from the back, her hands on the guys back. It looked so familiar I just started blubbering sitting in my easy chair with my dog wondering what the hell I was going on about.
The way she set her hands on the guys back was exactly how Jackie hugged me and everyone else. Sort of palm first, then fingers. Pressing into you, and opening up. Either way, I realized that I had not really been hugged like that in a long time. Years maybe. It just sort of reinforced my loneliness, and made me realize that love is out there, it is possible and we should embrace it.
It does not mean I am sad. I am not. It is just one of those things where you know what love is when you see it, and you remember something in your body, and it triggers an emotional response. My 20th class reunion is coming up, and I am going, and I am sure that this will not be the last time I think about this.
The sound of the Air Filter
I took my melatonin about 30 minutes ago, so I shall be asleep soon, but I thought I would filll my little time left with a little bit of typing.
I have been very sort of deficient in this blog, and it has all lacked substance. I do not know what that all means other than I am pretty focused on writing that I do elsewhere these days. I got back to doing the City Pages, and I did a Wisconsin State Journal thing, and I am working harder than ever on the Below the Waist stuff. So that all feels pretty good to me.
This on the other hand seems like I am cheating you of my time. Of the stuff that matters the most. I do not really know anymore.
here is where I am at. I am exercising a lot more these days, and loving it. I am trying so hard to get a regular sleep pattern going, and I think this weekend might be the turning point, and over all I am sort of settling into being 38 years old.
Oh, Angela is moving to North Carolina in three weeks. That is something that I am pretty happy about. I am not happy to see her go, or that she is moving on, but I think that it will lead to a different chapter in her life. I will not get drunken phone calls on friday nights while she walks home from the den mar, and that cannot help but be good.
I still think that Melissa is the only woman that really gets me. Aside from maybe Billie, although I think that underneath everything with Billie is a sense that I am full of shit to her no matter what. But so it goes.
Hope you are well.
Stoned on Friday night
It is friday night. I took 6 mg of melatonin about an hour ago, and I shall soon be asleep.
Today Angela sent me a test saying she was moving to North Carolina with Bill. Part of me said finally, and there is that other part.
I also got slammed in an email on CW. I tend to think that whoever sent it, and I have an idea of who it was, thinks about me way too much.
