Frozen Man by the Rollins Band
This morning has been brutal. I have taken my body and worked it really really hard. To tear it apart as much as possible, like the old days. Yeah I am a fat guy now, but I can find my limits as fascinating as you do. My dad died five years ago, and this is the day. I am taking on a total Rollinsification of my life. Nothing in my head, blowing it right out of there with exertion and whatever else I can find.
I took out the stationary bike at home, and I want to see how long I can ride on that this afternoon. I wonder if I can puke before I have a heart attack. It is strange to want that, but I dont know a better way to stay out of my head than exertion.
My brother is on the ice, and that is clearly his place of calm, and mom went up north. That is where I buried Dad, so I bet she is talking to him a ton. I talked to her already today, and she is wiped out, and is going to spend a lot of time in bed I think.
Today is why my life leads to people thinking I am unusual. Defiant, and uncivilized or just not appropriate. Because these are the things htat matter to me. Not the light hearted psuedo interaction you want me to have.
I wonder how deep this pain goes, and the reality is that this pain, this one pain, goes all the way down. All the way to the marrow of the bone, and nothing is going to get it out of me. No fucking, no drinking, no drugs, no nothing. So I am left with my will. My will to blow my brain right out of the conversation. To move my brain so far away that it cant hold on to what my pain wants it to.
My friend Melissa sent me an email, and that is why Melissa is the only girl that I love from afar.
Todays plan, workout for a few more hours, go see There Will Be Blood, again…then work out some more. Then apocalypse now.
Then some more time on the stationary bike.
From afar is the best way to love me. I’ve heard I’m difficult to get close to.
Melissa
February 5, 2008 at 2:10 am