It is strange. The time. I have been thinking about dying a lot recently. What it is like, what will happen, what needs to be done. I do not know for sure if it is morbid, or just a temporary curiosity. I know that on a lot of levels, I feel like I am running out of time, and things to do. But, I am not sure what that means. I just know that I sort of cannot think of what is next. I made a change, or deletion from my will. I have kept a written journal since I was in 6th grade, and for all this time I had left it to Amanda. The thing with that, I just do not think it is all that relevant. So I removed the part about my journal. I do not know who should have my journals, but I guess that it will not be Amanda.
I wish my cds were better organized. I wish my money was in better position.
What is it you are going to leave behind? I have a feeling that I am not going to leave anything behind. The idea is to be in the desert, in ashes, and be gone. Maybe.
Recently an old friend Tom told me that he had spent a lot of time defending me, and he wondered why he should bother. Heres the thing with that, for every reaction like that, there are 10000000 people who have no idea who I am. For example, the non profit I always wanted to be a part of, the fact is that NO ONE there has spent any time with me. No one has eaten a meal with me, no one has ever gone for a walk with me. But, that pond is poisoned. Because I spoke my mind 100 years ago.
I got yelled at a bunch recently. For things that I did not do, or say. At least not stuff that I did. When I am asked my opinion, and I give it, then what is the point of that. I have always felt like a marginal human in the narrative of my own life. As such, I am pretty sure that this inflate sense of who I am, and how negative I am is over. But, I live with these mistakes constantly. Ten people judge me, and keep that idea alive. I find it upsetting because I work at a non profit now, am not in the public eye, even on my own community website I do not comment or write.
Yet, I feel reviled in the place I live.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Brody Dalle, The Distillers
Hey…it is because no one really wants to have open discourse in this ‘community’. It makes me feel really sad that you’re feeling this way. Physical weight can sometimes only add to the problem. You have so much to offer, Dino. Why not give yourself the chance you deserve? Get a different job. Become the podcast guru and start a service for businesses looking to have a podcast. Maybe think about surgery if it is too difficult to lose the weight. I seriously do not mean to offend you with that, but I know people who weighed alot less than you that have done it and it has completely revolutionized their lives. I can only imagine what it could do for you. You are so smart and even though we’re not very close, I know your heart is a good one. Never give up. You deserve to be happy and to be surrounded by people who love and appreciate you. Fuck the wannabe’s and the big fish in little ponds. They can’t make it anywhere else. You can.