Shh

It is summer.  I have worked harder, physically this summer than I have ever done before in my life, and honestly am not sure where that comes from.  I got the dekc up north stained over the last couple of days, and honestly that was sort of a ball breaker.  So many shitty spindles and the rest, it is a pain.  No more decks.

So, tonight I went and saw Andy in Godspell.  It was amazing.  At intermission Abe came and sat with me for a while, and honestly that was amazing.  Abe is a good guy, and I might have the tiniest of crushes on his coolness.  Either way, I think that the play was amazing.

I am listening to a lot of Willie Nelson this weekend. That and Butch Walker, so that is fun.  But, at the play tonight I was confronted with couples.  And lots of them.  I was alone, but I looked good, so that is that.  But, I am 38 years old now, and I am single.  I think that might be the end of the road for me, in this regard.  But, it also sort of is amazing in the sense that it creates separation, and further isolation from my age group.  For example, Sullie and I are in the same age bracket, and for a while co workers, I have only been in the same room with his wife 2 times I think.  I do not think that it intentional, or relfect on him or her, but I wonder about that.

I wonder why, if we are friendly, if spending time with me feels like an isolated thing.  Like it does not connect to your real life.  I almost feel a sense of pity from the married with kids people that I spend the occasional moment with.  As if they are just filling their single old guy quota for the week.

I mean when you have kids, or not have kids, does your life change?  I have a feeling it does for some folks.  I wonder why it is I never, EVER see the children of my married with kids friends.  I am not invited, and when I invite there family someplace, like up north, that never happens.

I tend to think that my wild days are over, and I think I can be trusted, and I am not sure where this comes from, this sense that I am not around children.  I know that as a person who is natually isolating in nature, this further isolation because of my non children choice is not a good thing.  It leads to 2 am blog posts.

I feel pretty great over all though.  I wish I had more people in my life, but I have a feeling that is just the way it is going to be.  Everyone has these sort of commitments, and the like.  I often feel like I am unlikeable, and I think that is a good part of it, but I know that I should not expect to take on that load all myself.

I am trying to be a better man each day.