Monday
So, here the thing…I do not want Shawn to freak about this, so Shawn….do not freak about this.
Last night I spent the whole time in bed prior to sleep thinking about my own death, its imminence, its impact, and what I had to do to prepare for it. I felt haunted, and I felt like I was going to die, soon. Not in some dramatic way, but just a sense that we were running out of road. Thats what I thought of.
I thought of young men, facing death. I thought of how I would face death. I thought about letters I should write, and who I should write them to, and what I should say.
But then I think, no one will lament my death. I mean my mom will be sad, my brother his wife. But, the lives I have wanted to think I touched, I havent touched. And nothing would happen.
I do this thing, and my friend Double J thinks its cool. I leave places the same way. I leave without saying good bye. I just walk out. No one notices, no one calls my cell, or ever comments on it.
It just happens. I think I would like to hear this sentence…”I missed you leaving, I really wanted to talk to you more or say goodbye.” I do not know why. I just want it to matter. I want to matter.
I look at my life now, and I can cross everyone, and just about everything off the list of shit that I matter in. I have meeting after meeting, offer idea after idea, and nothing after nothing happens. I do not mind the not working, but I mind the not having it matter.
A while ago I said I was not going to call anyone, and see what happened. What happened you ask…I talked to no one on the phone. I went from using like 800 minutes prior to that, between the two lines, to less than 300 minutes.
I do not think anyone cares. I think that is the reality of the moment prior to laying down, and just calling it a day for many people.
So, I made a therapist appointment for friday. I just do not know what there is to say. This is the human condition, isnt it?
Just so you know…I would lament your death. It would break my heart every day knowing that you no longer existed in this world.
Melissa
July 13, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Thanks. I do not think there are many of you though.
outgunned1970
July 14, 2009 at 4:31 am