I Trust you to Kill Me

So this is my blog, and I can swim from immature to whatever else I want in my blog. I can do what i want. The only people who read this blog are wendy and melissa, and they love me no matter what. So, this is my blog. THis is my process blog, free writing. Writing things down so that I can make sense of them. This is my process blog. This typing is far more about me than you are a reader. This is my process blog.

So, I know I am a high maintenence friend. I require lots of talking, lots of reassurance, lots of sort of give and take. The honest part of that is that I do not think I am ever full. I am never satisfied. So, nothing is going to make it easy or right for me.

Clearly burning. Clearly losing it.

One thing that sucks, calling you, and you not calling me back. Are we not friends, and are we not good for communicating. If I am upset, someone told me I should tell the person or parties I am upset with, and clear it up. Clearly, that is not common in the world.

The no call back.

The non response to email.

The hanging high five. ITs all the same. It is all rejection, and I feel it pretty strongly.

So, I made a decision today. Tonight actually. I am so tired of doing work, being behind the scenes, and not getting any credit. Having no one know what I am doing, and being totally expendable. This comes out of an email exchange with a friend, and a festival I worked on.

I think I can safely say that i was and have been instrumental in both of them. Might even say one of them does not happen at all without me. Does my name appear anywhere, in anything, at all? Nope. Does anyone thank me? Nope.

Am I wrong to be upset, or am I at least looking for some honest ego stroking? I think I am. I am tired of watching the party happen, and then watching people have a party while I worry, and then clean up after the party. Then, the people talk and talk, and no one knows I do anything.

I hate it. I truly hate that I feel this way, but I do. And I hate it.

I am wiped out. Emotionally I took a chance today, and honestly I am pretty sure it is not going to work out. I have had a great, focused work day. I worked hard. I lived up to the promise of myself, but the background to it is emotionally draining.

There are newspaper problems that just seem to never end. A constant source of poking I suppose. A never ending drama, that is encouraged and possibly created by people other than myself.

My shoulder is in real pain. By this time in the day it is just shot. I wish I could explain it to you better than that, but it is just shot. I cannot make sense of it, I cannot stop the pain, I just have to let the damn thing rest.

CW is going great. I am so in love with the new design, and my passion for it, it is great. We have a new contributor, and that makes me happy. Cheryl is leaving for a couple of months while her family goes through a transition, but I think we shall keep going just fine.

My ass hurts, my soul hurts, and I cannot take being a part of somethings in my life. I make these massive emotional mistakes, and I love how it hurts, and I hate how it hurts.

I am angry. I listened to a friend tell me about a project that is going, and the thing is, I have been saying those same things for years. Those same things. Some other guy shows up, says those things, and kapow.

I guess I am in fact jealous. I do not know what to make of that jealousy, but so it goes.

I have been working out with Wendy from Sunspot, or rather doing wake up calls. And it is going well. I am sort of banged up, but I am happy.

My confusion is all, my confusion is real. My confusion is all my confusion is real.

I am not confused. I am in fact the opposite of confused, whatever that might be. I am sure. Convicted, cocksure. Confident. Assured. I am assured that I am not interesting, not worthy, not valid to anyone but me. Nothing matters to the world, nothing that I can say I care for resonates outside of a few people, and that is just the way it is always going to be. 38 years on the planet, and I keep having to learn it over and over again. The path is mine, and my path is alone.

Things swing into my path, people walk into my room, and just as soon as I open my mouth, they turn and walk out. I should not be surprised, but I am sometimes. People that I think are true friends, they stop calling, they stop answering emails, and text messages. I am left wondering what I did wrong, but really I never wonder.

Because I know. I know that nothing I come up with is going to be right, so why should I look any deeper than the surface of it. They are not there. So it goes. I just have to be happy with it. And I have to be allowed to be that guy.

They come and go. And I am the same when they get there, and when they leave. They leave, and the door is swinging and they are gone, and I feel bad because I felt like I put some work into our friendship, but maybe I did not, maybe I just lied to myself about that one too. I lied, because I thought my work or my friendship mattered, when it did not.

I am glad to know. I am tired of working on the lie that is myself. I am tired of the mirror and the person in it. I am tired of trying to fit the person in the mirror into something I should be for someone else who does not care, does not listen, and does not seem to worry about my feelings at all.

I am tired. My confusion is all, my confusion is real.

My neck hurts from the morning workouts and the days of editing audio, night. See you in 6 hours.