I Trust you to Kill Me

Books in the pipline right now…

The Yankee Years, sort of written by Joe Torre. Last night I read from midnight to 4 am, and it was awesome. Baseball is such a romantic thing, that the Yankees are like this insane place of joy.

The Peoples History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Heres the thing, I have read it before, and tonight I just sort of dragged it out of my box of books. So, I hope it provides me some inpsiration.

I recently finished

ZERO by Charles Seife. I think that was his name It was this sort of cool history of what I assume was a constant, and it oddly enough was not the case.

A REVOLUTION IN EATING by James McWilliams. This was fascinating. I saw this man speak in Madison, and god this was so much better. A sort of history of how we eat, and how we got this point where the food we eat comes from thousands of miles away, and the cost is not accurate. It is amazing to think about the impact of moving beef from one side of the country to another.

WIth the McWilliams book, I found myself thinking about chuckwagons in the frontier daze, cattle ranchers and the like. I wondered how that all worked.

Other than that, life has been pretty dull. I do not know what to tell you, but it just has. My depression is at a sort of consistent low simmer, and my inspiration comes and goes. Often times it is tied to the implements I choose. I sort of am loving Dixon Ticonderoga pencils at work for some reason.

I wish, at 38, I could figure out my sullen social phobia or rage. I know that I am damaging myself, and I know that fun exists, but the fact is I am simply unable to put down a lot of the anger when I walk into some of these situations. I was glancing around on facebook, and reading wall things people sent to one another, and god knows I am so far off base in my life I am one step away from building a forcefield in my basement.

I do not understand it, I do not understand it one bit. My buddy’s wife told me I was funny and charming, in a nice way, and maybe I am, but when left to my own devices I am jealous, rageful, and unable to control my thoughts. I do not have to claim some huge act of discipline to be normal or whatever, I mean I am not insane, but the fact is, I am so very vindictive and mean spirited sometimes. I just cannot have a good time.

I have no idea what the world has for me. I just do not.

So here is the thing, I learn lessons over and over and over again. I get them, then I forget them, then I get them again. It just kills me. I do not mind it, but sometimes I just wish I had held the lesson a little longer.

Today I came across a little link on facebook, sort of in passing, and it reminded me again of the true nature of friendship. In a negative way. I have often thought of people as amazingly intense friends, powerful parts of my life, and I have been reminded over and over again that people clearly do not see me as a part of their life. It is not a big deal, but it was reminded to me again today.

I think I saw this because I was thinking about some emails that I have sent that have not been responded to recently. For whatever reason I find that sort of thing to be absolutely heartbreaking in nature, and as a result it destroys my self esteem each time it happens. I took the time to email someone, something pertinent, and they could not be bothered to respond. I am often willing to concede that the fact is people are busy. But when it happens on like 100 occasions with a pair of specific people, all that you are left with is the fact that these folks do not like you. Which is a shitty thing, but a real thing.

Recently I have had the chance to say this…everyone wants to come to the party, but no one wants to set it up, or clean up afterwards. I truly think that. I think even the people who care stuck setting up and tearing it down, do not do it. It freaks me out to think that is the case, but I think it is. I think it is a series of pretend ideas, ran together with bad business connections, and stuck in front of no one.

So I have mistaken the relationships I have had in the past decade for intimacy. For friendship. I think I have many friends, but I think more than that I do not have many friends. Many of the people in the lamer moments in my life, many of those people are in fact not my friends. And it sucks to learn that one again, or rather be reminded of it. But sometimes we have no choice.

So first of all, I have no REM on my ipod, and I feel bad about that. Sorry to you Amanda who made REM matter to me.

Yesterday was brutal. I put soda down pretty succesfully a few days ago, and what I failed to realize just how much caffeiene I was getting from the Mt Dew. Yesterday about 8 pm, I went through real withdrawals for the first time in my life. I was actually sick, and vomited. Then I had a migrane that had me crying, so after I caught onto what was going on I was stuck running to the gas station for some gut rot plain black. Drank fast. Headache gone.

I gotta work my way into caffeine regulation. Its ugly though. I was weak, and sick. Like a junky.