I Trust you to Kill Me

So here is the thing, I learn lessons over and over and over again. I get them, then I forget them, then I get them again. It just kills me. I do not mind it, but sometimes I just wish I had held the lesson a little longer.

Today I came across a little link on facebook, sort of in passing, and it reminded me again of the true nature of friendship. In a negative way. I have often thought of people as amazingly intense friends, powerful parts of my life, and I have been reminded over and over again that people clearly do not see me as a part of their life. It is not a big deal, but it was reminded to me again today.

I think I saw this because I was thinking about some emails that I have sent that have not been responded to recently. For whatever reason I find that sort of thing to be absolutely heartbreaking in nature, and as a result it destroys my self esteem each time it happens. I took the time to email someone, something pertinent, and they could not be bothered to respond. I am often willing to concede that the fact is people are busy. But when it happens on like 100 occasions with a pair of specific people, all that you are left with is the fact that these folks do not like you. Which is a shitty thing, but a real thing.

Recently I have had the chance to say this…everyone wants to come to the party, but no one wants to set it up, or clean up afterwards. I truly think that. I think even the people who care stuck setting up and tearing it down, do not do it. It freaks me out to think that is the case, but I think it is. I think it is a series of pretend ideas, ran together with bad business connections, and stuck in front of no one.

So I have mistaken the relationships I have had in the past decade for intimacy. For friendship. I think I have many friends, but I think more than that I do not have many friends. Many of the people in the lamer moments in my life, many of those people are in fact not my friends. And it sucks to learn that one again, or rather be reminded of it. But sometimes we have no choice.

Dear God what is this world coming to.  Have I become the seasoned old guy all of a sudden?  My heart is breaking a little bit tonight.  I am actually upset.  The thing is I really need to be asleep.  I have been reading about how to regulate sleep better, and I do everything, literally everything wrong.

I do not know what to get to tonight here in this thing, and nothing seems to be right.  Nothing.

I think people open doors in relationships, and they do not know they are doing it.  They just sort of think it is a nice door, and the other side is the very thing that they are terrified of.  That 3 am scotch soak confession session can be brutal.  Sometimes we think it is the thing that allows us to get laid, and the fact is it is not the thing that allows us to get laid.  I think in that case it is simply the fact that we made it to 3 am, if you make it to 3, your having sex, arnet you?

I have a problem with the ear hair in my left ear.  I wish I knew how to explain it, but sometimes it just is right there, and I can feel it changing positions.  It drives me mad.

I am down to one less cell, no wait, two less cells.  I gave one to a friend downsouth, and one to the new woman at the paper.  I guess he cell was a hunk of junk.  I am not all that confident in the whole thing, but so it goes.  So right now I am rocking the blackberry, and the v555.  The blackberry I think is going to be the phone.  I think the 555 goes to mom, and I am going to change to a razr, because of the sync possibilites for apple computers.

Who knows, really no one.

It seems like I am tired of this blogging medium. It has lead to this sense of self consciousness that I work hard to avoid, to work through, to be brave enough to exist in the way I want. I want to be able to write here freely, without ego, without self consciousness. To find my mature voice, to write down the words I want, to leave them here. To walk away from them.

It appears though that it can never be that way. I cant get there, and for that I am a failure to myself. I have looked, and I have found that I get bogged down in so much of it. So much reaction, and so much discussion has created a sort of crease in the process. I have pretty much sacrificed the word “you”. It is lost to me in a way I never thought I would lose it.

I must understand that this is not a piece of paper, a notebook that Amanda and I would know about, and no one else. A book that Jackie and I knew helped each other. A private place. This is not that. And thusly it is something all together differant, and because of that I feel my voice getting quieter, more timid more small. When it should go the other way. It should become more, more impressive, more defined, more brave.

I have blogged freely for a while here. I tried my best, and in a lot of ways I did fine. I am proud of the voice I had, the process of this typing. This writing on the screen of my powerbook. But I feel like I chickened out. I ran from it. I put my head down, and looked at my feet like such a child. Even now I am rereading as I type. I am pausing, holding my head in my hands and looking on this screen. Instead of just flowing across the keys.

I guess I am unsure of this. I am feeling really quite negative today. I know that my anger blinds me, and overwhlems people around me. I am trying hard to not be that person, I am staying home, avoiding the phone, and listening to gospel music. I do not know. I just do not know.

Heres one thing I know.  I have too many books going right now.  I am cutting it to two a week, or rather two at a time.

Currently reading…

Truman by David McCoullough

the sam cooke book

Whats the answer trigger man

is that it

is that the answer

thats a god damn lie

stay with me man

stay up stay up stay up

your the man

right

your the gun man

right

your the trigger man

right

your the right man

right

your the bad man

right

your the tough man

right

your the dead man

right