I Trust you to Kill Me

Dear World…sorry I realized that I had no Ani on the old ipod. That is sort of pathetic.

So today was a new avalanche of ipod-itry. Pretty okay I guess. Being a whore for storage, it was perfect. Bigger bigger bigger.

I am tired, it is midnight, and I am going to try to sleep through the night.

The new Bad Religion record came out. I have had it for a while, sort of the perks of being me I guess. It is so good it scares me. I simply do not know if they have ever done anything at all that I do not love. The ability to be relentless smart, and topical is something that we all must aspire to be. Its not that sort of hyper critical smartness that comes from a super cynicism…but rather a great example of critical thinking.

My buddy Marcus got an iphone when he was outwest. He is an AT& T customer on a national plan, so I guess it works here in Wausau. the thing is this…I really did not want to want one. I really wanted to put it in my hand, and feel a ton of issues. But honestly I can’t. The fact is, it is too good, and it is simply a realization of an ideal of intergration that is perfect. Now, as soon as the AT&T rollout from the purchase of Cellular One becomes real, I have a feeling I am going to end up buying one. I just know it. There will be no way around it, or so it seems.

I am thinking of walking away from the radio station. I simply do not see there to be any point in it, there is no support from the liscense holders, the volunteer pool is getting less and less, and now I have the new job. I just do not see a point in this sort of thing. I am really extended. I have no time for Scott stuff these days, and that sort of pisses me off. I have not done laundry in the longest time. Thank god for a solid supply of black tshirts.

I have not seen Andrea in a long time, and I think I want to, though I cant really tell.

So I was talking to a friend, and she made a comment about the garage, and I think she has been seeing these images. For the record, we got the garage up in three days. Friday through Sunday. Kapow.

I am using the word SO in conversation too often these days. I just fall back on it, and most of the time it is not appropriate.

But these things happen, and So i am left wondering.

My friend is playing in Chicago this sunday, and it is fathers day. I am trying to get down there, but honestly the trooper is not the car to make that run, it just isnt. Now that I have a job, I need to be home on monday morning. So I cant sleep in a train station and wait for some connection to get me home.

I fight with guilt about not making it to shows, because I know the guys want me there, but honestly I cant just tear down my life this year. I want this new job to work. I think it will real benefits for me, and I think that we can all get something from it.

Jackie reached out to me. I have not spent time with her since the other summer, and before that was ten years. God knows what that is all about.

As I write this today, I am doing so on a new wireless keyboard, and a wireless Mighty Mouse, and the text is flowing into a new MAC PRO.

A giant, superpoweful mac pro.

First off, I did something tonight I have never done before. I cut a nose hair. I mean it. I cut a nose hair. IN my right nostril there has been this recurring one that gets aimed the wrong direction, and I can feel it literally outside of my nose, and inside of my nose. I stuck my finger in there and I sort of figured out what was going on, and I cut it. It made me feel so much better. I just could not take that anymore.

So I think I have had two doozy of days. Yesterday was just a nightmare emotionally. I just could not take it. I keep coming back to this idea that I made a mistake. I have been on the planet for 36 years, and I think I have made some lifestyle choices that are tremendous mistakes. I have tried in recent years to live as passionately as I can, to look in the mirror and know that I have lived that way, and the things I have done have been kind or at least honest. I think I learned a lesson with the local psuedo government agency that once again put me in the metaphorical dog house for being critical of the work. At the same time I was the greatest public champion of the new staff, and the new vision. I guess that was just too much, I needed to be blindly obedient even in private. I failed, and had my confidence compromised, and it was all over.

Then I have had this sort of ongoing issue with a guy who was a volunteer at the Radio station. The thing is he got himself hurt in his own personal life, or something. I honestly have no idea what happened. What I know is both parties involved in it stopped talking to me completely. Just literally shut me off. I called and I emailed and I tried to have a relationship. I am not sure if I have done something to offend either of them, or if this is a coping mechanism. But I know felt as if I was getting punished. I felt like they were mad at me, and the thing is I have no way of knowing that. I merely assumed that, and it was not the case. Or it was and is the case. But when I look in the mirror, and asssess my behavior objectively I have done nothing wrong. So this action that these two people have taken on cleearly has nothing to do with me. Or at least no one is communicating it with me, so I guess I cannot be responsible for it.

I bought a Razr. The flat black one. I have no idea what possessed me to do it. It is just more meaningless crap that I have bought recently.

In good news, we got our first signed contract today. So were off and running, and soon bringing a whole new way to do work to this town.

This guy I know called me tonight to borrow DVD’s. I find it hilarious.

My buddy Tom lost his job. The jackass at his guitar shop fired him, or pushed Tom into quitting.

Dear God what is this world coming to.  Have I become the seasoned old guy all of a sudden?  My heart is breaking a little bit tonight.  I am actually upset.  The thing is I really need to be asleep.  I have been reading about how to regulate sleep better, and I do everything, literally everything wrong.

I do not know what to get to tonight here in this thing, and nothing seems to be right.  Nothing.

I think people open doors in relationships, and they do not know they are doing it.  They just sort of think it is a nice door, and the other side is the very thing that they are terrified of.  That 3 am scotch soak confession session can be brutal.  Sometimes we think it is the thing that allows us to get laid, and the fact is it is not the thing that allows us to get laid.  I think in that case it is simply the fact that we made it to 3 am, if you make it to 3, your having sex, arnet you?

I have a problem with the ear hair in my left ear.  I wish I knew how to explain it, but sometimes it just is right there, and I can feel it changing positions.  It drives me mad.

I am down to one less cell, no wait, two less cells.  I gave one to a friend downsouth, and one to the new woman at the paper.  I guess he cell was a hunk of junk.  I am not all that confident in the whole thing, but so it goes.  So right now I am rocking the blackberry, and the v555.  The blackberry I think is going to be the phone.  I think the 555 goes to mom, and I am going to change to a razr, because of the sync possibilites for apple computers.

Who knows, really no one.

It seems like I am tired of this blogging medium. It has lead to this sense of self consciousness that I work hard to avoid, to work through, to be brave enough to exist in the way I want. I want to be able to write here freely, without ego, without self consciousness. To find my mature voice, to write down the words I want, to leave them here. To walk away from them.

It appears though that it can never be that way. I cant get there, and for that I am a failure to myself. I have looked, and I have found that I get bogged down in so much of it. So much reaction, and so much discussion has created a sort of crease in the process. I have pretty much sacrificed the word “you”. It is lost to me in a way I never thought I would lose it.

I must understand that this is not a piece of paper, a notebook that Amanda and I would know about, and no one else. A book that Jackie and I knew helped each other. A private place. This is not that. And thusly it is something all together differant, and because of that I feel my voice getting quieter, more timid more small. When it should go the other way. It should become more, more impressive, more defined, more brave.

I have blogged freely for a while here. I tried my best, and in a lot of ways I did fine. I am proud of the voice I had, the process of this typing. This writing on the screen of my powerbook. But I feel like I chickened out. I ran from it. I put my head down, and looked at my feet like such a child. Even now I am rereading as I type. I am pausing, holding my head in my hands and looking on this screen. Instead of just flowing across the keys.

I guess I am unsure of this. I am feeling really quite negative today. I know that my anger blinds me, and overwhlems people around me. I am trying hard to not be that person, I am staying home, avoiding the phone, and listening to gospel music. I do not know. I just do not know.

Heres one thing I know.  I have too many books going right now.  I am cutting it to two a week, or rather two at a time.

Currently reading…

Truman by David McCoullough

the sam cooke book

Heres the the first one.

God this song…its the whole blueprint for Rock and Roll.

Well in a long tradition I like being a part of, I thought I would start to explore the tools that I use. In order to look closely, and make sure things are of value.

1. The Parker Jotter. A few years ago I made the change from the Uniball Micro. I had used the uniball black exclusively through college. In high school I discovered it, I was floundering with this expresso fiber tip thing…and it was terrbile. The Jotter is a pen that feels good in my hand, and it appeals to my aesthetic style as well. I am pleased with the click action, and the refills are stable and available everywhere. I tried the Stainless Steel Jotter, and it was a failure, as the metal slid in my fingers. The other good thing about the Jotter is its ability to write hard. I press hard, and it does not seem to phase the pen one bit. It was a pretty big change to embrace ball point after so many years of avoiding it. I had consistently avoided the ballpont, it left unsightly ridges in the paper, and suddenly that was okay, and less significant. Part of the change, in all petty honesty, came from an interview with Aaron Sorkin. Sorkin made mention about the pen that Toby Ziegler wrote with on “The West Wing” being a Jotter, and it was because Sorkin wrote with a Jotter. So that was something that opened the door for me to consider this pen. And the pen has been wonderful.

2. The Blackberry 7290. Years ago I gave up my land line. I am GSM user, and very content with my service with my cellular carrier Cellular One. I live in Central Wisconsin and the big companies have not really arrived in any sort of significant way. I wait for AT&T, but ultimately I do not think I am going to change anytime soon. I bought my Blackberry on ebay, and this is the second one. I gave the other one to Scott Holt, and he is trying to get it set up to use. I picked this one really just for the color screen. The Blackberry syncs easily with my Powerbook, and that is an essential process for me. I do not use the Blackberry Push Email service, I believe called Enterprise. I think it is pricey, and does not do me any good. The Blackberry lacks a browser for the internet, and this is fine with me…I own a Apple Computer, I do not care about looking at Bill O’Reilly or Britneys crotch. The best part of the Blackberry is the contextual address book. It is massive amounts of information, and I am glad to have it. For example, I have have Mike Browns telephone number, but for the life of me I do not know who Mike Brown is. I look a few lines down, and I learn that Mike is the owner of Brown Broadcasting. The motorola address book does not allow that. I bought a Treo this week on ebay, and we shall see how it works for me.

3. Apple Powerbook g4. This is my second Apple laptop, and will in no way be my last. I bought this from a good friend, and it has been nothing but perfect. I use OSX (Tiger). The functionality of this machine could not be better. We have maxed it out with RAM, and the hard drive is a new one. So I am confident that I can get at least a year or more out of it. It is a great thing.

4. The Timbuk2 Commute. When I was 16 I bought a Timbuk2 Messenger Bag. My buddy Trowbridge worked at Freewheeln Cyclery. And he turned me onto them. I bought one then, and it has never once hiccuped at anything. In fact I once spilled a gallon of bleach in it, and it was fine. Unscarred. About three years ago I was spending time with Gary from Studio 519, and he turned me onto this one. I bought it immediately. I could not stop myself. It is a great tool. The protection of my powerbook is pretty intense, but it is not a hard case. It handles all that one could ever need to go to a job. I use it to hold the external hard drive I carry with me when I travel, it handles that and the cables without pausing. A few years ago my friend Jason gave me my ipod case, and it is a Timbuk2 product, and fits perfectly.

So I am listening to this, waiting for Kevin Rose to blurt out about the iPhone.

I have decided that phones need qwerty keyboard