I Trust you to Kill Me

I have had a terrible day. I want to say that I am shocked, but honestly I am not. I am disappointed in my luck. I am disappointed in the way that people speak to me, and in myself for allowing it to happen. I know the person reads, or has read this blog…so I am less likely to be frank about it.
I know the apolgies were said, and the like…but here we get back to something from another blog post. Can you unsay words? I do not think I ever let anyone unsay, or ever really accept an apology.
This thing that happened has gotten me really hot. So much so that it is 330 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I just feel bad, and more than that hurt.

Then I had a bad radio meeting. I swear these people are focused on the lampshades on the Titanic right now. I mean it, at one point we were discussing a type of CD rack. Broadcasting is such a hard thing to acheive.

EDIT
I am having a terrible day. I really am. I am truly upset at 3 am. If I had to say something immature, and in my way lashing out I would say this…I feel anger. I feel angry because I am asked to compensate for something like this.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TODAY…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND THIS IS NOT ABOUT TONIGHT

Or the thing the other day…I had a bad day, and I am sorry for the things I said to you.

WHAT?

You had a bad day and said mean and hurtful things to me.

How is that fair to me? How come you say, I had a bad day or this or that modifier. How about JUST I AM SORRY. Just stand there being WRONG.

What gives you the right, your bad day…to lash out at me? What makes your bad day a justification for you verbally kicking me? Why is that even a thing you would consider as okay to do? Hey my life is shit, why not kick the big man? He can take it…he loves me after all. How come in your head you thought it was okay to verbally hit me? What in the world makes it okay?

When I have a bad day, I tend to go home, and turn inward and wait for it to pass. I do not call people and yell at them. My bad day is unrelated to them. If anything I pick up a pen and scribble on paper.

But you, you have the stones to call me up, and kick me around. I take it, because I think that you are having a bad day, and your words are just words. Then I think about it a little more…and your words are inappropriate. They are mean, and personal…your not upset and blowing off steam…your yelling at me. AT ME.

Your not yelling about your check book being too low, or your cock being limp…your YELLING AT ME. I know the differance, I learned from Jackie that it is okay to yell. It is scary, but it is okay to yell to let it out sometimes…yelling out into the ether. It is not okay to yell AT ME.

Why is your day harder than mine? Your worries more valid than mine? I think I wrote a really angry blog post about the smugness of young parents towards non parents.

I need to forgive you for your bad day.

Would you forgive me mine?

First off, I did something tonight I have never done before. I cut a nose hair. I mean it. I cut a nose hair. IN my right nostril there has been this recurring one that gets aimed the wrong direction, and I can feel it literally outside of my nose, and inside of my nose. I stuck my finger in there and I sort of figured out what was going on, and I cut it. It made me feel so much better. I just could not take that anymore.

So I think I have had two doozy of days. Yesterday was just a nightmare emotionally. I just could not take it. I keep coming back to this idea that I made a mistake. I have been on the planet for 36 years, and I think I have made some lifestyle choices that are tremendous mistakes. I have tried in recent years to live as passionately as I can, to look in the mirror and know that I have lived that way, and the things I have done have been kind or at least honest. I think I learned a lesson with the local psuedo government agency that once again put me in the metaphorical dog house for being critical of the work. At the same time I was the greatest public champion of the new staff, and the new vision. I guess that was just too much, I needed to be blindly obedient even in private. I failed, and had my confidence compromised, and it was all over.

Then I have had this sort of ongoing issue with a guy who was a volunteer at the Radio station. The thing is he got himself hurt in his own personal life, or something. I honestly have no idea what happened. What I know is both parties involved in it stopped talking to me completely. Just literally shut me off. I called and I emailed and I tried to have a relationship. I am not sure if I have done something to offend either of them, or if this is a coping mechanism. But I know felt as if I was getting punished. I felt like they were mad at me, and the thing is I have no way of knowing that. I merely assumed that, and it was not the case. Or it was and is the case. But when I look in the mirror, and asssess my behavior objectively I have done nothing wrong. So this action that these two people have taken on cleearly has nothing to do with me. Or at least no one is communicating it with me, so I guess I cannot be responsible for it.

I bought a Razr. The flat black one. I have no idea what possessed me to do it. It is just more meaningless crap that I have bought recently.

In good news, we got our first signed contract today. So were off and running, and soon bringing a whole new way to do work to this town.

This guy I know called me tonight to borrow DVD’s. I find it hilarious.

My buddy Tom lost his job. The jackass at his guitar shop fired him, or pushed Tom into quitting.

So first of all, I have no REM on my ipod, and I feel bad about that. Sorry to you Amanda who made REM matter to me.

Yesterday was brutal. I put soda down pretty succesfully a few days ago, and what I failed to realize just how much caffeiene I was getting from the Mt Dew. Yesterday about 8 pm, I went through real withdrawals for the first time in my life. I was actually sick, and vomited. Then I had a migrane that had me crying, so after I caught onto what was going on I was stuck running to the gas station for some gut rot plain black. Drank fast. Headache gone.

I gotta work my way into caffeine regulation. Its ugly though. I was weak, and sick. Like a junky.