I Trust you to Kill Me

Tonight I am doing my radio show up north. Then I am off to the north to spend some time putting up siding. I wish I had more to tell you than that. It is funny, how in times of tremendous psychic change, nothing happens. I know for a fact, that everything is differant today, than it was yesterday. My priorities have changed, and it seems like I cannot remember how it felt just 48 hours ago. Life is strange that way. Now each day I get to be confronted with my choices, and how I have let these things manifest in my life, and how I do not need to accept it. I think about how that applies to each of the layers of my life, and the way these things were put there in front of me.

I have made some orrendously bad friend choices over the past 7 years. Just shocking really. I just let these friends keep coming into my life, and nothing an no one could really get them out. I just was not going after the things that I knew to be good for me.

This weekend I intend to swim in the lake. I have hadenough of being ashamed about my weight. The fact is I love to swim, and my cornea is as close as it is going to be, so I am going to go swimming.

Next week I am moving. Finally getting away from the Infamous one.

First off, I did something tonight I have never done before. I cut a nose hair. I mean it. I cut a nose hair. IN my right nostril there has been this recurring one that gets aimed the wrong direction, and I can feel it literally outside of my nose, and inside of my nose. I stuck my finger in there and I sort of figured out what was going on, and I cut it. It made me feel so much better. I just could not take that anymore.

So I think I have had two doozy of days. Yesterday was just a nightmare emotionally. I just could not take it. I keep coming back to this idea that I made a mistake. I have been on the planet for 36 years, and I think I have made some lifestyle choices that are tremendous mistakes. I have tried in recent years to live as passionately as I can, to look in the mirror and know that I have lived that way, and the things I have done have been kind or at least honest. I think I learned a lesson with the local psuedo government agency that once again put me in the metaphorical dog house for being critical of the work. At the same time I was the greatest public champion of the new staff, and the new vision. I guess that was just too much, I needed to be blindly obedient even in private. I failed, and had my confidence compromised, and it was all over.

Then I have had this sort of ongoing issue with a guy who was a volunteer at the Radio station. The thing is he got himself hurt in his own personal life, or something. I honestly have no idea what happened. What I know is both parties involved in it stopped talking to me completely. Just literally shut me off. I called and I emailed and I tried to have a relationship. I am not sure if I have done something to offend either of them, or if this is a coping mechanism. But I know felt as if I was getting punished. I felt like they were mad at me, and the thing is I have no way of knowing that. I merely assumed that, and it was not the case. Or it was and is the case. But when I look in the mirror, and asssess my behavior objectively I have done nothing wrong. So this action that these two people have taken on cleearly has nothing to do with me. Or at least no one is communicating it with me, so I guess I cannot be responsible for it.

I bought a Razr. The flat black one. I have no idea what possessed me to do it. It is just more meaningless crap that I have bought recently.

In good news, we got our first signed contract today. So were off and running, and soon bringing a whole new way to do work to this town.

This guy I know called me tonight to borrow DVD’s. I find it hilarious.

My buddy Tom lost his job. The jackass at his guitar shop fired him, or pushed Tom into quitting.

Its funny, I am learning a lesson today. I am not sure I wanted to learn this lesson, but I am learning it on two fronts.  One friend I thought I had earned a pretty good line of trust with, having been through some of his troubles has effectively cut me off.  Refusing to answer when I call, or even return an email.  I try to objectively, and honestly self loathingly look at the whole thing.  I simply am left standing her holding my joint in my hand, and no one can explain to me the frailities of the human spirit that would make something like this happen.  I thought I had been rather supportive, almost unconditionally so, and I thought I brought a good sense of humor to the whole thing.  One can never know I suppose.

The other lesson I am learning is that I am a not as trusting as I want to be.  Me and Marcus are doing this thing, and some stuff added up sort of went sideways today.  My feelings really got hurt by the whole thing.  I also got scared that I bring no value to the project.  I mean it, the real talent in the deal is Marcus.  At least that is how I am seeing it tonight.  We talked on the phone, and it honestly did not help me that much, if anything it made me more upset.  It is not really anything that he did, at least I want it to be that way.  I want the things to be totally simple things that mean nothing.  But when you think that you are expendable, then these things are not good for your self esteem.  I do not even really want to think about this for a few days, but I think I have to.  Tonight, I question myself in all of it.  I thought I did a good thing, and now I question myself.

I think I am pretty emotional.  Tomorrow is thursday, and saturday is blues cafe.  It is the first one since my departure.  I think it is making me a wreck.

So lets change the subject.  And for once in this blog, and my blogging experience as a whole lets talk about something that I find crude.  The butt of a woman.  I had woke up in the middle of the night last night thinking of Billie.  And it was nice.  I usually come to the fact that I was a dink to her, and she was nice to me.  But last night I was just stuck thinking dirty thoughts.  It is rare that this happens.  Ask my friend from downsouth, I run from this stuff.

But last night I was thinking about Billies body.  Billies body was amazing.  It really was.  The first time we were ever together I was totally overwhelmed.  I had never really been with anyone with that sort of body combined with a real aggression in bed.  It was amazing, and scary as shit.  I thought I did pretty bad in my end of the exchanged, my oral skills were lacking, my conjugal time was short lived.  I was way in over my head.

Regardless, the thing that stands out with Billie was her butt.  It was amazing.  I remember one time she was asleep, and I just touched her butt.  A perfect curve.  It was pretty cool.

As I laid there last night I thought more about butts.  Which drew me to another girl I dated.  Who had something in common with Billie.  Something that for the longest time made up who they were.  It is their identity in many ways.

And they both had amazing butts.  Both had perfectly curved butts.  That sort of hill shape if they were laying on their tummys while sleeping.  It was sort of overwhelming last night to think about this.  I laid there trying to go back to sleep, after thinking about these two women, and their butts.  I had to get up and brush my teeth, and that is not code.

So that is probably as crude as I hope to ever get.

No wait, the only other time I really felt overwhlem in bed was…nah, I cant say.  I think of her as a friend today.

So I was thinking about my bathroom.   And the tools in there.

1. Shampoo…Garnier Fructise…one of those giant sams club bottles.  I have probably had it for two years.  Since for the longest time I have been bald.  Only now growing my hair back.

2.  Dial Soap.  My mom gave me zest, and it sucked.

3.  The Gilette Power Phantom thing…it is a new razor.  It made me happy to buy, it is black.  Like 100 blades.

4.  Colgate Shaving Cream…its what my dad used.

5. Crest, with the twist cap, not the flip top.

6.  Mint Floss

7.  The Neti