a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/corvinod/288868556/” title=”100_0527.JPG by corvinod, on Flickr”>

I am in love with this song. There is enough hard rock, and it makes me happy. It is a perfect sort of sonic assault of rock and roll swagger, and god knows I do not see enough of that. I see and am surrounded by metal, and honestly I am so over metal.

I got some old drama. Apparently someone I knew 100 years ago is upset because I did not pay him for a gig, that was over 10 years ago. But, there it is. To my face he was fine, I got a hug and he never mentioned it, but at this event he was talking mad trash to everyone. This bothers me, but not in a big way. Do I owe him 100 bucks? I might. Did he remind me I owed him 100 bucks? Nope.

I find myself less alienated these days. I am comfortable in my skin, and who I am.

Scott was just here, and absolutely tore this place to the ground. It was an amazing performance, and a big crowd. I am glad he was here, and did his show.

It was nice to see Rob, and a few other folks.

I do not think Scott and I are on even ground or safe ground, but I am not interested in having the conversation that we would need to find the sort of peace I am looking for and never finding in life.

Tomorrow I need more exercise than ever before.

I have given up on sleep all together. There is no point in any thing that resembles sleep anymore. I think all I do when I sleep is scratch the dog, and then wait to wake up. Ahh.

Today I spent a good time with the folks from Good For Business. IT was a nice time.

About a month ago I think I came off message, off line in my own head. Maybe 2 months. It manifested itself in my having real, and elevated issues with my friend Scott. I feel shitty about this, as I have a feeling we are not friends anymore, and I am sure that is not cool, but it is what it is.

The issues I felt were real. I think all of my issues and emotions are real. Not pretend, not of the things that we can control. But rather the things that we experience, and they exist. So, it goes. I think though the amount of experience I gave to them was the mistake. I was empty, and unispired, and these swirl that was these things filled me for a second, and that second will bite me in the ass.

I think it is interesting how we get distracted from that which is important to us. I am guilty of that OFTEN. And I hate myself for it, but it is what I am guilty of.

Right now I need to strip all of this away. This weekend will be the weekend of Brittany Murphy, of Ramen Girl. Of clean. When this weekend is over, we shall be done, completely with all the unsorted garbage. I shall identify goals, I shall identify action, and I shall work toward these goals.

I am thinking about shutting this blog down. I have three other blogs for me, personally, and another one for professional stuff. This is always the process blog, and I do not know that it is helping me as a person, or as a writer.

I think I will think better of it, and keep going. It is relatively anonymous, and free for me. So, it might keep me interested. But, I am not sure.

What a great day, what a great couple of days. I am alone, and able to work at the pace I want. The gym has been amazing for me, and I have kicked major ass. And learned a lot.

I finally feel truly confident at work.

In all fairness, I feel good. I actually probably feel very good. I wrote about 2000 words today for the National Novel Writing Month. It is the thrird time I have taken it on. So that is good. Citizen Wausau feels pretty good. Work feels very good. So, I am not sure about this aching loneliness, and the occasional bouts of anger.

Today I went up the hill for the first time in a while, and loved it. i do not know what possessed me to not go with everyone else. Oh wait, I do. The shame of being the slowest.

Today I felt stronger than I had all summer, and it made me very happy. The workouts have been good, and clearly have helped me.

Tomorrow I gotta weigh in, and we shall see.

I have not talked to Scott in about a month. We did not leave it all that well, but I think he is onto the next big chapter. No fault there, it is just the way it is. I will always be his biggest friend. i think I did a pretty good amount of service to that cat, and feel happy.

I am nearing 40 years old. I wonder about that.

So this is my blog, and I can swim from immature to whatever else I want in my blog. I can do what i want. The only people who read this blog are wendy and melissa, and they love me no matter what. So, this is my blog. THis is my process blog, free writing. Writing things down so that I can make sense of them. This is my process blog. This typing is far more about me than you are a reader. This is my process blog.

So, I know I am a high maintenence friend. I require lots of talking, lots of reassurance, lots of sort of give and take. The honest part of that is that I do not think I am ever full. I am never satisfied. So, nothing is going to make it easy or right for me.

Clearly burning. Clearly losing it.

One thing that sucks, calling you, and you not calling me back. Are we not friends, and are we not good for communicating. If I am upset, someone told me I should tell the person or parties I am upset with, and clear it up. Clearly, that is not common in the world.

The no call back.

The non response to email.

The hanging high five. ITs all the same. It is all rejection, and I feel it pretty strongly.

So, I made a decision today. Tonight actually. I am so tired of doing work, being behind the scenes, and not getting any credit. Having no one know what I am doing, and being totally expendable. This comes out of an email exchange with a friend, and a festival I worked on.

I think I can safely say that i was and have been instrumental in both of them. Might even say one of them does not happen at all without me. Does my name appear anywhere, in anything, at all? Nope. Does anyone thank me? Nope.

Am I wrong to be upset, or am I at least looking for some honest ego stroking? I think I am. I am tired of watching the party happen, and then watching people have a party while I worry, and then clean up after the party. Then, the people talk and talk, and no one knows I do anything.

I hate it. I truly hate that I feel this way, but I do. And I hate it.

I am wiped out. Emotionally I took a chance today, and honestly I am pretty sure it is not going to work out. I have had a great, focused work day. I worked hard. I lived up to the promise of myself, but the background to it is emotionally draining.

There are newspaper problems that just seem to never end. A constant source of poking I suppose. A never ending drama, that is encouraged and possibly created by people other than myself.

My shoulder is in real pain. By this time in the day it is just shot. I wish I could explain it to you better than that, but it is just shot. I cannot make sense of it, I cannot stop the pain, I just have to let the damn thing rest.

CW is going great. I am so in love with the new design, and my passion for it, it is great. We have a new contributor, and that makes me happy. Cheryl is leaving for a couple of months while her family goes through a transition, but I think we shall keep going just fine.

My ass hurts, my soul hurts, and I cannot take being a part of somethings in my life. I make these massive emotional mistakes, and I love how it hurts, and I hate how it hurts.

I am angry. I listened to a friend tell me about a project that is going, and the thing is, I have been saying those same things for years. Those same things. Some other guy shows up, says those things, and kapow.

I guess I am in fact jealous. I do not know what to make of that jealousy, but so it goes.

I have been working out with Wendy from Sunspot, or rather doing wake up calls. And it is going well. I am sort of banged up, but I am happy.